Why people don't get each other

15th November 2009

Wouldn't life be great if we understood what others were thinking?

"Women are so complicated. What does she want?"

"Men don't understand. Why doesn't he get it?"

"My stupid boss undermines everything I do. Can't he see how I'm trying to help?"

Most of the time we judge other people on their behaviour, but judge ourselves on our intent. And in that tiny gap lies a universe of confusion.

Looking from the outside, we see the behaviour of others, and do our best to make sense of it. Of course we're only guessing. Our guesses are crude but indispensible - without them we'd never make sense of anything.

However, in our own minds, we see what we're trying to do. Internally, we see our motivations - but we're utterly blind to our own behaviour. Ever seen a recording of yourself and been surprised at how you looked? Try reading an old email or text you wrote, you might frighten yourself.

The problem is that we can never see others as we see ourselves. But - in an ingenious trick of mental wiring - we think we always do. Oops.

The solution is to clarify everybody's intent. Most people never stop to ask: "what are you trying to do? What do you really want?"Asking these questions can give you fresh perspective on a person's behaviour. The wonderful thing about intentions is they're much simpler and infinitely more consistent than behaviour. You get the signal without the noise.

If you want people to understand you, make your own intent clear to them. State exactly what you're aiming to achieve, and repeat as necessary. This is as crucial for co-workers as it is for children and spouses. Most importantly make your behaviour match. The more consistent your behaviour, and the clearer your intent, the more people will understand, trust and respect you.